15 Days Challenge: Day 3

I have been really busy this past week and I am enjoying this busy-ness. I used almost every minute of my day from waking up to going to sleep. Ever since I started this challenge, even though I do not write as often as I set out to do, it has kept me accountable. When I am doing something, I often tell myself that: “You can share this in your blog later”, and that gives me a sense of encouragement and progress.

I do have a lot of drafts that I wrote but felt that it was not substantial enough to publish. Today, I do want to publish, because I want to talk about being busy.

I am recently surrounded by busy people. One of my lab mates is a senior, working on their game development personal project while working as a head teaching assistant and IT support and applying to jobs. Two days ago he did not show up to our lab until almost an hour later. He simply forgot about the lab because he was too stressed and did not even eat anything that day except a banana at 3pm. My other lab mate is a phD student working in two labs. His schedule is packed with daily meetings. When we all meet to work on labs, I sometimes notice him reading research papers when our work is not making progress. Sometimes, we meet outside of labs to write the report, and after those meetings end late at night, one of them would continue to work on their project, and the other would go back to his lab to do more research.

Another friend that I have is a head teaching assistant and research assistant, all while taking intensive CS courses. She is even heavily involved in her dance club, with multiple practices and rehearsals and performances. She does not go to libraries to study - she just studies wherever her classes or work are. Another friend of mine who is taking five Maths classes said that everyday she has to study until 12AM. I rarely see her at social occasions anymore.

I am having a taste of their life, and honestly, it feels great. I can rest in the assurance that I have done my absolute best everyday. And even when there is a day that I slack off, I feel okay because I have made room for the slack. In other words, I have made so much progress in my work the previous days that even if I watch a show for an hour, no deadline is missed. I do not have to fight the intense guilt that this is another day that I do not live up to my potential. The occasional slack is now just occasional, it is no longer a part of my identity. In many ways, this state of being busy has made me more present in moments that I get to relax and rest.

Do I feel that I am not busy enough? Yes, I do. I do feel that I am not busy enough compared to my peers. Some of them sleep less and work more. But the harsh truth is that experience has shown me that I am not built for that lifestyle. I tried to be like them, depriving myself of sleep, but I just ended up with sickness that glued me to my bed for several days. I figured that I would rather have an extra hour of rest everyday than completely wreck several days due to sickness.

Sometimes I also feel like I am not efficient enough. Maybe something takes someone else 30 minutes but would take me 45 minutes to an hour. However, this is the exact kind of mindset that would render me paralyzed and unable to get started on anything because anything I do would never be good enough. I am learning to congratulate my small wins, that the thing is done, albeit imperfectly. I am learning to congratulate that I did it in 45 minutes instead of procrastinating it for 30 minutes then try to scramble everything together in 30 minutes in intense stress and anxiety. I tell myself, any time is better than wasted time.

My bedtime alarm has gone off now. I will see you in the next blog.

15 Days Challenge: Day 2 - A lovely Saturday with beautiful flowers and fresh new beddings

This morning I woke up in my bed. I thought someone turned on a very bright light outside, but it was just the sun at 8 am. I tried to cover my eyes and sleep some more. After a while, I reached for my book on the desk at read the second chapter. The book is More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop, the sequel of a book of a similar name I have read and loved. I read the first chapter last night before sleeping. The first chapter is a recap of what happened in the first book, and the second chapter is about all the eccentric customers to the shop. It is still gentle, still comforting like that, and how I’ve missed it. It re-ignited this thirst for reading that has always surged inside me. This is a book about what I love - books - written by someone who adores them. It tickles me exactly because it makes me curious. When one character mentioned that he wants to read a certain author because of the weather that day, I desperately wanted to know the vibe of that author. Readers read book like people listen to music - we do it for the vibe.

I came across the perfect, perfect song to go with this morning and this book. It’s When the magnolia blooms - Instrumental by Shin Ji Hoon. Give it a try, and you’ll get the vibe of the book.

As I lay in bed and look at the sunlight reflected on my walls, I remember that I really wanted to buy a pair of sunglasses and a sweater for this fall. So I went and order the pair of sunnies that I’ve been eyeing (I surprised myself with the speed at which I decided too, which is something to be proud of myself today). The search for sweater took way more time - the price point, the material, the potential itchiness,… I have a problem with buying clothes online - I need to feel the material to know, and I hate the process of returning a product. So I thought of a sweater I can wear today that is not the same as the same two sweaters I have been wearing on rotation, and became happy with it. I am going to exercise at the gym today. I of course am not feeling like it, because I have lost the momentum for several weeks now. Part of me feel like I should get to work as soon as possible to tackle the pile of work waiting for me. I honestly have no reason against it, except that I might feel better and more productive after the exercise.

This morning, as I walk down the street, I came across this absolutely beautiful garden with blooming flowers.

This is the garden of the Geological Studies Department.

And here is my view on the way to the library:

I went to the library at 2:20 PM. I’m sitting in a corner that looks out to a breath-taking view. My priority this study session is to catch up on my Computer Vision lectures. In the first lecture, I found out why the sky is blue. I honestly do want to make a series answering these simple questions that you probably don’t know the answer to, like, why is the sky blue?

One thing that might be useful for you if you have negative thoughts that you want to change is Chat GPT. This is a snippet of the conversation I had with it today:

• i feel so bad whenever i have an item and it's not perfect. i feel like im wasting money

• It’s understandable to feel that way, especially if you're careful about spending and value getting the most out of what you own. But perfection isn’t always necessary to enjoy something! Sometimes an item's worth comes from how it makes you feel or the memories tied to it, even if it's not a perfect fit or style.

  You’re not wasting money if the item brings some joy, comfort, or serves its purpose—even occasionally. Plus, not everything we own will be perfect, but learning to appreciate what we have for what it offers can bring peace. Does reframing it that way help ease that feeling?

  
  

Today, I do have a heavy workload with a lot of things to catch up. I do get frustrated at myself because at this rate, I cannot finish all the work that I set out to do. But I would like to shift the mindset a little bit to ease off the pressure on myself. With each minute that I spend working on this today, I am lightening the load for myself tomorrow and next week. That makes me feel like I am doing something good for myself instead of just paying the debt.

Wohoo I completed another lecture. I was fighting for my life through it, dozing off a dozen times, but we made it. This lecture is about 3D reconstruction, specifically techniques that you can use to turn 2D images into 3D. It’s pretty cool - I learned how cameras like iPhone cameras estimate depth. So the camera has a projector that projects out infrared dots - our human eyes cannot see infrared light but the camera can. From these projected dots, the camera can estimate how far the scene is. Pretty cool ha. And when there are two iPhones pointing at the same cup of matcha (for an Instagram pic, you know), each camera projects a different wavelength, so the pattern of dots does not get mixed up.

I am quite excited about the next two lectures, because we have moved onto Machine Learning. I have heard about Machine Learning everywhere, for a long time, with a faint idea of how it works but not really. The first time I heard it was from Huyen Chip’s book about her time at Stanford. Now I am here, studying it. It’s disorienting how a lot of my life just follows what happened in her books.

I met my lab partners again for a writeup. We had a good time and managed to complete the writeup. I am so grateful to have them as my labmates - without them I would not enjoy any of this and completing each assignment would be like dragging your feet through a desert. When I came home, I hustled through two loads of laundry and watched half an episode of the British baking show. This episode is about botanicals, and they have to bake with flowers. I LOVE spices, herbs, and especially flowers. It was such a pleasure to see all the flavors and flowers rejoicing, adorning the cakes with such beauty and elegance.

Anyway, the reason why I needed to do laundry that night was because my duvet cover arrived in the mail and I cannot wait to put it on.

I mean, look at that - so comfy, so cutesy, so fresh. I crawled under my covers and felt so pampered and cozy and clean. This is the perfect bedding for me.

Tonight I am not looking at my phone and immediately went to bed at 11:30. I am pretty proud of myself for that. The bed feels really good.

15 Days Challenge: Day 1

Do you ever wake up and decide that your life has to change? That you’re tired of always regretting that you didn’t do better and now have to bear the consequences? For me, I am tired of always going to bed so late then wake up feeling like my head is an opaque cloud. I love my life, so I would like to be able to enjoy it more, to be able to focus on things that make me happy instead of the constant self-criticism.

So how are we going to do this? I think that since my goal is to be more intentional with my time, I would like to use this writing challenge as a substitute for scrolling my phone. I am going to write here once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night.

Quick overview of my day. I have already washed my hair and did my morning skincare. I have class in 30 minutes so I am going to take a 5-minute nap. I will have another class after lunch which I have to do the readings for. After that class, I will meet my lab partners to do the writeup together. I don’t feel like doing any of it now but I think after a short rest I will feel better.

Small win: I was walking to class, I realized that my step feels different. There is energy and lightness in my walk. It feels different. And I realized that it is because I have been sick for a while and this day has been my healthiest day in two weeks. It reminded me to be more gentle to myself.

Small win: I paid attention in class without distracting myself on my laptop. I did doze off once in a while, but I got the overall gist of the class.

When I am in line for lunch, I carried my laptop to do my readings. It is not ideal - I should have done the readings the day before, or throughout the week, but the truth is I didn’t, and now the best thing I could do is to do the readings with the time I have left. I am so grateful for the readings that I am introduced to. This week, we are reading Urdu literature, particularly the Ghazals. These are love poems written in Persian. I am reading Khusrau, a poet and courtier. His love poems are devastatingly beautiful. Here are some lines:

“Though you robbed me of heart

and soul, look at me and see

how finely that smile came

from those lips into these eyes”

The Bazaar of Love, page 6

When he says “I love you”, but Khusrau said:

“Permit me to die at your feet,

for this is my eternal life.

Khusrau costs you no more than to say,

‘This is the slave I got for free’”

I am always annoyed at my tangles, but:

“Sleep, be gone! You’re no friend of mine tonight

as I remember that someone’s tangled hair.”

And:

“I love you so much

I am overcome with jealousy

if you treat someone else

as badly as you treated me.”

My goal for this week is to complete all the readings for the class, because I genuinely enjoy them so much and I would love to enjoy all of it and miss none.

The lab meeting I had with my lab partners was quite productive. We finished the code for a Finite State Machine for a game. We had a lot of fun (and I am proud of my sense of humor). After that, I was too tired so I scrolled my phone for an hour and shut my eyes for 10 minutes. The takeaway? Scrolling my phone only adds to the heaviness in my head while shutting my eyes lightens it. I feel more refreshed after just 10 minutes of eyeshut. I will make a point to add it to my routine to replace scrolling time.

Tonight I make dinner with my friends in my dorm. Before the dinner, I have decided to treat myself to watching The Great British Baking Show and light reading before bed. When I am excited to start watching my show, it is easier to get off my phone. I found out that I enjoy organizing my room and folding the laundry while having the show on. I think it will become my new ritual - coming back to my room at night, having a nice pleasant show on while I do things around my room.

Side note: I know that right now a lot of my mind is revolved around my phone and not using them. But it will get better. One day, I will look back and realize that it is no longer a concern. That day will come. But for that day to come, this day needs to happen, to pull myself out of the dark.

I think this is a lovely end to my day. Nice dinner. Good baking show. Some light reading. Cozy bed. See you tomorrow!

Takeaways from today:

• 10 minutes of eyeshut / 20 minutes of nap time will refresh my mind

• As soon as you come back at the end of the day, have a good show on

• If you have homeworks from many classes and there's this one class that you are really eager to start working on, just start with it first. Allow yourself to start with it first, even though it is not as urgent.